Classification Essay *Rough Draft

Semi-Public Acts

Porn, it is that dirty little secret that everyone has. According to Brigham Young University’s ‘National Pornography Statistics’, American’s have made the porn industry a twelve billion dollar business. To put this into perspective, porn makes more than ABC, NBC, and, CBS’s combined revenues. So, considering these statistics, it seems safe to assume that everyone over the age of eighteen, has at least once, been into a porn shop. However, because a porn shop isn’t usually an everyday stop for people, everyone reacts and behaves differently upon entering. Some are quiet and secretive, while others are loud and proud. And it is the entertaining factor of these reactions and behaviors that make working at a porn shop so enjoyable.

The first type of patron, I like to call a “Newbie”. Usually under the age of twenty-one, the Newbies tend to travel in small groups of six or less. With them, there is always a slightly more experienced youth, who tries to show off experience and knowledge that they don’t have. The Newbie however, might as well come alone, since they almost always ignore their guide in favor of being shocked over the sheer amount of products in the store. With eyes wide, and chin on the ground, Newbie’s always whisper with awe, “How much stuff does there need to be”, not able to comprehend the sheer amount of choices that they now have. When approached, Newbies always look as if they want to shrink and disappear; but making a Newbie laugh about what they’re looking at, will always un-guard them.

“Bulldozers” are definitely people who do no need to be unguarded, though they are the most guarded. Named for their loud and gregarious behavior, Bulldozers have no problem announcing their intentions, but rarely ask honest questions. Male, and female Bulldozers, do have a slight difference of routines in the store. Often female Bulldozers will spend some time when they first walk in, looking around and laughing at products. Then they will go and collect what they came to purchase, and then loudly ask “why their favorite vibrator is no longer available”. Male Bulldozers will enter the store and immediately approach the employee with a verbal list of what they want. Both sexes of Bulldozers need to have an eye kept on, because theft and destruction of displays is fairly common.

“Couples”, do not need much attention. Both literally and figuratively wrapped up in one another, Couples will quietly search the store, seeing what tickles their fancy. Rarely does an employee approach a Couple, except to greet them to the store, or sometimes to remind them that the store is a public place and that others are watching. Often, however, Couples will ask employee’s opinions on products, which can greatly be taken advantage of, since they tend to be the big spenders.

“Morning Porn-ers”, far and away, spend the most money over time. More negatively called “Addicts”, these gentlemen are so called for showing up first thing when the store opens. Seen nearly everyday, they develop a relationship with the employees based on so often asking, “If anything new came in”. Quietly, they can spend up to seven hours looking through the DVD selection. An employee’s best friend; Morning Porn-ers will laugh with you after a particularly odd customer leaves, help pass the time discussing an array of different topics, or even sometimes acting as security when someone is behaving threateningly. They do have their negatives though; often being quite odd themselves, sometimes filling the store with bad smells or bodily fluids, and sometimes developing stalker like tendencies.

Of course, each of these types of customers; the Newbie, the Bulldozer, Couples, or Morning Porn-ers; can share traits with the others, making more extreme types. There are all kinds of people in the world, and all of them have some curiosity about how far sex can go. And while it may seem odd, a porn shop is just about the safest place a person can be, because no one is there to judge any person’s preferences and desires. But that doesn’t mean that an employee won’t later laugh about your behavior.